“Whose Am I? Whose Are We?” by Revered Tom Capo preached on 10/20/2019

Story

At the Festival of Peace, in Florianopolis, South Brazil, the journalist and philosopher Lia Diskin related a beautiful and touching story of a tribe in Africa she called Ubuntu.

She explained how an anthropologist had been studying the habits and customs of this tribe, and when he finished his work, had to wait for transportation that would take him to the airport to return home. He’d always been surrounded by the children of the tribe, so to help pass the time before he left, he proposed a game for the children to play.

He’d bought lots of candy and sweets in the city, so he put everything in a basket with a beautiful ribbon attached. He placed it under a solitary tree, and then he called the kids together. He drew a line on the ground and explained that they should wait behind the line for his signal. And that when he said “Go!” they should rush over to the basket, and the first to arrive there would win all the candies.

When he said “Go!” they all unexpectedly held each other’s hands and ran off towards the tree as a group. Once there, they simply shared the candy with each other and happily ate it.

The anthropologist was very surprised. He asked them why they had all gone together, especially if the first one to arrive at the tree could have won everything in the basket – all the sweets.

A young girl simply replied: “How can one of us be happy if all the others are sad?”

The anthropologist was dumbfounded! For months and months he’d been studying the tribe, yet it was only now that he really understood their true essence…

(Source: “This is the Age of Ubuntu” from harisingh.com.)

Sermon 

In a small town in the Northeast, there was series of fires at local churches.  First, a Catholic church burned down.  The priest was seen running out of the fiery edifice carrying a large crucifix.  Soon after a Jewish synagogue burned down, and the Rabbi dashed out in time with the scroll of the Torah in his arms.  Then the Unitarian Universalist church burned down and the minister was seen running out of the building with a coffee pot. 

                This was a joke that was popular when I first joined Unitarian Universalism.  I have been thinking about this joke and wondering what it said about Unitarian Universalists years ago, and if it is still relevant for Unitarian Universalists today.

When I joined Unitarian Universalism in 1979, the question of spirituality which included accountability and action were focused primarily on the individual.  What do I believe?  What/who am I accountable to?  Who needs me?  Whose life is altered by my choices?  Back then, I and most Unitarian Universalists, thought almost exclusively about our personal searching for meaning, purpose, and truth.  Our social justice actions were centered in ourselves; the person would ask themselves how he/she/they could make a difference, help someone.  Sometimes, the typical Unitarian Universalist, in so far as one could use the term “typical”, may occasionally wonder how could they could get other people to join them in social justice work.  But mostly, social justice works was the work of individuals, not the congregational body.

This emphasis on individuality was foundational to Unitarianism at its formation.  In the 19th century, Unitarian Ralph Waldo Emerson when speaking to graduating ministers at Harvard Divinity School said: “Historic Christianity has fallen into the error that corrupts all attempts to communicate religion.  As it appears to us, and as it appeared for ages, it is not the doctrine of the soul, but an exaggeration of the personal, the positive, and the ritual…the remedy for this deformity is first, soul, second, soul, and evermore, soul…[thus you are called to] speak the very truth, as your life and conscience teach…”  He was encouraging those ministers to preach, not from the Bible, or really from any religious text, but from what was true for them, from their individual souls, and he exhorted them to encourage others to seek answers from within themselves.

This emphasis on individualism almost resulted in the death of Unitarianism as a formal, recognized religion.  When Unitarian Reverend William Ellery Channing and many other prominent Unitarians got together in the early 19th century to discuss forming a new faith, there was great debate.  Many were concerned that given the diversity of beliefs within the many churches, there would be some individuals who would be negatively affected by forming a Unitarian religion; thus the proposition to formalize Unitarianism was voted down with an agreement to consider further discussion of the proposition at some later date.  We do love our discussions.  We wouldn’t be the Unitarian Universalist Association today if it were not for some young whippersnapper Unitarian ministers the following year.  They presented a proposal to organize into a formalized group of Unitarians at the Berry Street lecture, the oldest lecture series in North America, and those who gathered decided to become the American Unitarian Association.

Joining and belonging to a Unitarian Universalist fellowship, congregation, or church back in the 80’s and 90’s was about finding a home where we could be ourselves, where individually we were free to search for truth, meaning, and purpose, with a community supporting us in our individual searches.  While this was freeing in some ways, it had some negative side-effects.  Some people felt that being free to be themselves meant that they could be hurtful in their language and/or behavior without consequence.   And those who didn’t like it, well they could just leave the congregation. 

Today, Unitarian Universalism is moving toward communal spirituality, accountability and action, changing the focus from “I” to “we”.  Now the questions lean toward: What do we believe? Who needs us?  To whom do we answer?  Whose life is altered by our choices?  And many congregations are considering what does “this congregation” believe?  Some Unitarian Universalists churches are communally choosing to be spiritually pluralistic, others choose to be Christian, while other congregations have chosen to be primarily Earth-Centered, and others choosing to be Humanistic. Many congregations are still in active communal discernment, asking what is our corporate meaning and purpose? How do we as a congregation make a difference in the world.  And very often, after a period of measurable, intentional discernment Unitarian Universalists congregations select a social justice initiative that has been communally identified.

Communal decisions can create some challenges.  What about the people who want to honor the diversity of belief that is the hallmark of Unitarian Universalism; is that diversity of belief threatened when a congregation decides to focus on one particular religious/spiritual or ethical belief system?  What about the people who want to work on a particular social justice initiative that is different than the one that the congregation has decided on?  If a congregation decides on a style of worship that involves more ritual, meditation, prayer, singing and with less preaching; what is the compromise for the people who want more preaching and less ritual?

        Unitarian Universalist churches have what is called congregational polity.  This means that each congregation decides on how it will be governed, what groups it will support, what minister they will call, and how they will worship.  So the decision about whether a Unitarian Universalist or a Unitarian Universalist congregation focuses on “I” or “we” or both is up to them. 

As many of you know, I am presently teaching a Buddhism class and bringing in Buddhist teachers from around Miami.  So I have been spending more time exploring some of the writings of the Buddha.   But here’s the thing: Buddhism, like Unitarian Universalism, is not a static faith.  You see Buddha loved options.  And thus as more centuries have passed between the life of the Buddha and present day, more options have evolved.  Even by the time Buddhism made its way to Tibet, centuries ago, there was a veritable smorgasbord of ways to call oneself a Buddhist and get away with it.

                  Buddhism over time has also reflected upon how spiritual wisdom can be gained.  Let me share this sutra of three life-intentions from Lama Willa Miller which describes these intentions.

                “The first type of life-intention is called the king-like intention.   The seeker with this kind of spiritual intention follows the spiritual path like a leader or an individualist.  She sees herself as a pioneer, focusing on self-improvement for the sake of the betterment of humankind.  Her driving force is ambition, and she sees herself as responsible for others.  Like a king, this kind of person develops wisdom and then—on the basis of attaining that powerful place—takes steps to help others.

The second intention is called the boatman-like intention.  The seeker with this kind of spiritual intention follows a spiritual path in the role of a guide.  He imagines spiritual life as a communal endeavor.  His slogan for enlightenment is ‘All or none’.  Although he is a team leader, he wants to attain the fruits of the path only if his buddies do also.  His driving force is the cooperative spirit.  Everyone is in the same boat, so to speak.

The third intention is the shepherd-like intention.  Like a shepherd, this kind of seeker is not very self-involved.  As a shepherd’s eyes are rarely drawn from her sheep, a seeker with a shepherd’s intention cannot take her mind’s eye off others.  Only after their needs are met does she look after her own.  She lives only for the welfare of others and makes sure that whatever resources she obtains go to others first.  This kind of person’s driving force is love and empathy.

Sages commit to different styles of awakening, but in all cases their focus is on a huge group, the very biggest group, the family of humanity.  A sage with king-like intention wishes to awaken first and then lead the family of humanity to awakening.  A sage with a boatman’s style wants to attain awakening together with the family of humanity.  The shepherd-like sage [through example, good deeds, and inspiration] wants to attain awakening only after everyone else has awakened.”

                Which, if any, of the sages do you consider yourself?  Are you best described as “sage-fluid”?  What sages are encouraged in this congregation? What wisdom might Unitarian Universalists gain from looking at these three different driving forces—ambition, cooperation, and empathy?  Which model of awakening or gaining spiritual wisdom do you prefer to emphasize in your life? To be emphasized in this congregation?

                In my spiritual journey, I have tried all three of these intentions.  And to be truthful, I don’t think any single one offers a path that works all the time.  Foundational to all these intentions is sincerity.  Even if intentions may not look the same from one day to the next—and they probably won’t—it’s your sincere willingness to be open to new ways of experiencing greater truths that is crucial, that keeps your evolving search for truth and meaning from becoming mere dabbling. 

                It is my own belief that all Unitarian Universalist congregations respond to the driving force to be king-like in our intentions, with affirming and promoting each person’s ambition to find spiritual wisdom through a free and responsible search for truth and meaning, developing wisdom that equips each of us to help others in the world.  And I believe that our Unitarian Universalist congregations are also developing a more boatman-like intention, by balancing the right of conscience with the use of the democratic process, focusing on the cooperation within the community to help the world.  What about the shepherd-like intention?  The wisdom gained through love and empathy.

                Remember the story of the African children and the candy?  Can you imagine what your life would be like if you affirmed and promoted Ubuntu as a spiritual focus for your life?  How do we, Unitarian Universalists, put others’ needs and feelings before our corporate self-interest?  Our individual self-interest?  How do we encourage others to spiritual growth in a way that de-centralizes their spiritual growth from our own individual journeys?  That turns “me” into “we”?  Is empathy a spiritual discipline in our lives? 

One spiritual discipline that has helped me bring a shepherd-like intention into my life is the Platinum Rule.  You probably know the Golden Rule “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” The problem with that rule, at least for me, is that is based on ambition and the cooperative spirit, in other words my wisdom, which is always limited, and the wisdom of my community, again limited, to figure out how to help others.  The Platinum Rule offers something more: empathy and perspective.  The Platinum Rule is: “Treat others the way they would like to be treated.” If people don’t want to be encouraged to spiritual growth, that’s okay. You may believe that encouragement to spiritual growth is the most important part of being a Unitarian Universalist.  This difference doesn’t invalidate your present truth or their present truth.  That’s really the essence of Unitarian Universalism, isn’t it. The platinum rule is based on a continual and ongoing process of empathy and understanding, putting yourself in the other’s shoes, by letting them tell you about what their shoes are like.  Letting them tell you how they want to be treated so that they don’t feel hurt.  Does this remind you of any relationship you might be in?

I always think of my marriage.  I think it is successful because I realize that I am always changing and my wife is always changing.  We are responsible for understanding each other, in order for us to love each other the way we want to be loved.  If we don’t ask what the other person needs or what the other person feels, and if we don’t show the other person how important it is for both of us to understand each other, we are not living the Platinum Rule.  By the way I asked my wife how she felt about my sharing this with you.

Unitarian Universalism is a both/and religion.  Rarely is it either/or.  Sometimes it can be an individualist faith, sometimes it can be a cooperative faith, sometimes it can be a loving and empathetic faith.  Which driving force is emphasized might be related to where you are on your faith journey, or where we are on our congregational journey.  Which driving force is emphasized might also be related to which social need calls to you, or which social need calls to our faith community?  Whichever driving force you or we choose, you or we should do so with intention and reflection, with an awareness that it probably will change as you, and as we journey.

                May I, you, and we embrace life’s journey as a spiritual adventure, befriending a sage’s intention, and becoming a servant to, a helper of humanity.  Through cultivation of ambition, cooperation, love and empathy, may I, you, and we be a force for peace and balance in the world.  May my, your, and our aspirations and those of all beings come into fruition. 

Our Yearning to Belong preached by Reverend Tom Capo on 10/06/2019

Reading

This reading is from a sermon that was given by the Rev. Marlin Lavanhar minister of All Souls Unitarian Church (Tulsa, Oklahoma).  Reverend Marlin said:

The last time I had this privilege to deliver a sermon to the General Assembly was in 2008 on Sunday morning in Ft. Lauderdale.

It was just two years after I had lost my daughter, who died at the age of 3. I remember talking about her, Sienna, …and how very raw it still was then. She would be 12 this year if she had lived.

I’m going to admit something. Sometimes, even now, when I’m visiting a person from my congregation who’s dying, if it seems appropriate I’ll ask them,

“When you finally die, if it turns out there really is a heaven on the other side of all this, and you see my little girl Sienna, will you give her a big hug for me and tell her that her mom and brother and I are doing alright and we love her?”

And I’ve discovered that it doesn’t matter if the person is a Humanist, a secular-rationalist, a Buddhist or a Theist…

There is something in the very humanity of that sincere request (from a broken-hearted father) …together with the humility of facing our mortality …that allows us to suspend our disbelief. It allows us to let go of our own literalism. So that we can bathe together in the warmth and tenderness of the deep longing and the love that begged the request.

Whatever that is… that sacred place where people can meet… that binds us together in our love and our naked humanity.

Sermon

Emily Esfahani Smith, author, speaker, journalist said in her TED talk: “Belonging comes from being in relationships where you're valued for who you are intrinsically and where you value others as well. But some groups and relationships deliver a cheap form of belonging; you're valued for what you believe [or] for who you hate, not for who you are. True belonging springs from love. It lives in moments among individuals, and it's a choice -- you can choose to cultivate belonging with others.”  Where have you experienced a sense of belonging, true belonging?  Where have you cultivated belonging with others?

Last Christmas Holiday, I was fortunate to gather with some of my old High School friends.  We hadn’t met up, all four of us, for more than 30 years.  We fell in sync with one another as if we had never been apart.  We joked about Dave holding his wedding outside during a Houston summer afternoon, the temperature hovering around 100 degrees with a sweltering 100% humidity, all of us groomsmen wearing heavy powder blue polyester tuxedos.  I probably sweated out 5 pounds that day.  As we joked and laughed about old times, it came to light that one of our group, Tim, had been holding onto a resentment for most of these past 30 years.  He had once asked Dave to house him for a few days while he was moving, but Dave had refused him.  As we walked along that winter Galveston beach, Tim and Dave were finally able to make peace with each other, and the stress fractures that we hadn’t even realized had been straining our friendships healed.  Tim’s guardedness, which had affected the group like a mysterious itch that could never be scratched, melted away and the relationship the four of us shared was at long last as genuinely open as it had been when we were kids.  We belonged together then, and we belong together now.

            That sense of fitting in. Feeling like we’re a vital member of the group.  Knowing that these are the people with whom we can risk being utterly ourselves, accepted and loved for who we are, exactly as we are, and for whoever we will become.  That is the sense of belonging that we all yearn for. Isn’t it?        

I believe that each person who walks through the doors of a Unitarian Universalist church for the first time (and hopefully at least a few times after that first time) enters wondering “could there be a place here for me?” A place where:

We sit together and I tell you things,

Silent, unborn, naked things

That only my God has heard me say.

You do not cluck your tongue at me

Or roll your eyes

Or split my heart into a thousand thousand pieces

With words that have little to do with me.

You do not turn away because you cannot bear to see

Your own unclaimed light shining in my eyes.

You stay with me in the dark.

You urge me into being.

You make room in your heart for my voice.

You rejoice in my joy.

And through it all, you stand unbound

By everything but the still, small Voice within you.

I see my future Self in you

Just enough to risk

Moving beyond the familiar,

Just enough to leave

The familiar in the past where it belongs.

I breathe you in and I breathe you out

In one luxurious and contented sigh.

In sweet company

I am home at last.

(By Margaret Wolff, In Sweet Company, Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, 2006)

            Many times there is something specific a person is yearning for, some specific risk that needs to be shared, before that person can feel they authentically belong to a faith community or any community for that matter.  I got to know a man who had been on the fringes of my church for a few years.  His wife had joined, but he had not.  He told me he liked what he heard, but just wasn’t sure he belonged.  On a whim, I invited him to attend a Christian Theology and History Book study that I was starting.  After some hesitation, he accepted.  After attending a few meeting of the group, he felt safe enough to say something he had been feeling for a long time.  Something he didn’t feel would ever be fully accepted in a Unitarian Universalist church.  He said “I am a follower of Jesus, but I don’t believe Jesus is divine.  I accept Jesus as a moral teacher, a human being, and I believe in a personal god.  I just don’t fit in any Christian church.”  He had taken a risk, and the group didn’t blink, didn’t minimize what he said, and no one made a sarcastic comment about Christianity.  One of the members of the group simply responded, “Thank you for sharing that with us.”  After a pause, the man seemed to relax.  The group went on discussing the Gospel of Thomas.  He told me later that at that moment he finally felt the church could be his home.  He joined.  He also volunteered to facilitate Spiritual Direction groups at the church.  He wanted to hold space for others just as it had been held for him, space for others who needed a safe place to risk being their whole selves, exploring all their spiritual beliefs, without judgement. 

Every little thing that

breaks your heart

Is welcome here

We'll make a space for it

Give it its due time

and praise

for the wanting it represents

the longing for something more,

some healing hope that remains

not

yet

We promise no magic

no making it all better

But offer only this circle of trust

This human community

that remembers

Though imperfectly

that sings and prays

though sometimes

awkwardly

This gathering that loves,

though not yet enough

We're still practicing

After all,

still learning,

still in need of help

and partners

Still becoming

able

to receive

all this beauty and

all these gifts

we each bring

(by Reverend Gretchen Haley, UU Worship Web)

Sharing this experience with him changed me. I came to understand that some who join us don’t feel they can safely express their whole authentic selves, which is so central to our yearning to belong, in our Unitarian Universalist congregations.  They are afraid of our uniformity.  They look at us and don’t see much cross pollination going on.  I came to realize that anchoring our Unitarian Universalist identities in our like-mindedness often results in a sort of spiritual blandness.  Think in terms of cinnamon cookies.

  Some of you may know there are different types of cinnamon: Ceylon, Cassia, Saigon, Vietnamese, Indonesian, Chinese are just a few.  And while they differ slightly from each other, they’re still cinnamon.  And in cinnamon cookies, they all taste great.  We Unitarian Universalists have a tendency to be like those cinnamon cookies.  But what if we were more like spice cookies?  What if we were little more delectably complex? What if we changed up our predictable cinnamon cookie by adding a dash of cloves, or a pinch of nutmeg—maybe a hint of mace or sumac or maybe even some cayenne pepper?  Now that’s a cookie that is complex, that’s interesting, a cookie that keeps us coming back for more. 

And the truth is not everyone feels that they can belong when they visit us.  They wonder “is there a place for me in this Unitarian Universalist congregation?” and the answers they come up with range from “I’m not sure” to “I don’t think so.”  You’ve seen it; I’ve seen it.  Folks come, they stay for a while—perhaps they serve on a committee or teach a religious education class.  They attend some social functions, retreats, parties.  And then after a while—maybe their kids age out of the religious education program or they get tired of waiting to feel fully accepted— they leave.  I’m not talking about the folks who move away, I’m talking about the folks who still live nearby.  They just stop being in relationship with us, and we stop being in relationship with them.

            So I wonder: what really sparks that sense of belonging in a Unitarian Universalist congregation?  Belonging is so much more than taking an Introduction to Unitarian Universalism class, making a pledge, and signing a membership book.  It’s so much more than volunteering to make coffee or teach a religious education class.  All of those—and they’re important, don’t get me wrong—but all of those are things we do, and they’re part of belonging, but they’re not the whole of belonging.  They’re outward expressions of commitment to the community, and we need them in order to function.  But belonging is an affair of the heart.  Our actions of belonging are the sinews that knit our corporate body together as one; our sense of belonging is the life blood that enriches and strengthens those sinews, that gives them heart.  Belonging is rooted in a transformation that sparks inside us, a transformation that flares into life when we realize we can be our whole selves and evolve into whoever we have yet to become in a Unitarian Universalist congregation.

Each of us comes to a UU congregation with our own hurts, some of which we received in other religious communities or from people we trusted.  Some of us arrived with our own prejudices based on our hurts or misinformation or fear.  Some of us may arrive with a belief system that already feels safe, real, and right, and we don’t want to risk opening ourselves up to others whose beliefs feel too different from our own.  Beliefs that rub up against what we believe to be true. And some of us arrive yearning to belong, eager to be our whole selves, but not ready to risk sharing some aspects of who we are.  We all have some broken parts and a need for belonging, a belonging that can open us to change and transformation, a belonging that can heal and knit us into a community for a lifetime.  What needs to be in place for you to feel safe enough to risk sharing all of who you are in a Unitarian Universalist church? (pause) 

            In his General Assembly address Reverend Lavanhar wondered if Unitarian Universalist congregations could be “that sacred place where people can meet… that binds us together in our love and our naked humanity…” I think that as a covenanted people, as Unitarian Universalists, we can be that sacred place if that is who and what we really want to be.  I believe our congregations can be places where people freely search for truth and meaning.  Where my spiritual yearning and your spiritual yearning can meet and merge and enrich both of us.  Where we can express our whole selves/all of who we are: our pains, our joys, our hurts, our griefs, our doubts, our oddities, and our failures, using the languages of our individual hearts.  Truly safe places that extend past mere tolerance into a sacred expanse of authentic acceptance of each other’s radically different ways of responding to the unfolding universe around us.  Where someone like Rev. Marlin can say: “When you finally die, if it turns out there really is a heaven on the other side of all this, and you see my little girl Sienna, will you give her a big hug for me and tell her that her mom and brother and I are doing alright and we love her?” and is utterly loved for who he is.  Just as he is and as whoever he may become. Where you are utterly loved for who you are.  Just as you are and whoever you may become.  My friends:

It is not by chance that you arrived here today.

You have been looking for something larger than yourself.

Inside of you there is a yearning, a calling, a hope for more,

A desire for a place of belonging and caring.

Through your struggles, someone nurtured you into being,

Instilling a belief in a shared purpose, a common yet precious resource

That belongs to all of us when we share.

And so, you began seeking a beloved community:

A people that does not put fences around love.

A community that holds its arms open to possibilities of love.

A heart-home to nourish your soul and share your gifts.

Welcome home.

(By Kimberlee Anne Tomczak Carlson)