DuPage Unitarian Universalist Church - Reverend Tom Capo
September 2015 theme: Plumbing the Depths
September 17, 2015
September 2015 theme: Plumbing the Depths
September 17, 2015
I grew up in an alcoholic home.
My father was a binge drinker. When I was ten, my father, following a binge,
screamed profanity, broke dishes, chairs and yanked the baffled doors off the
bar. My brothers, mother and I didn’t why
and we huddled in fear in the back room of our house. At that moment, I decided I would no longer
have any relationship with my father, and did not value anything he said to me
or did for me for many years. I did not think I could ever forgive him, and at
least a part of me did not want to; I did not feel he deserved any forgiveness.
Resentments over my father’s drinking hurt me for
years.
By holding onto my resentments, my self-esteem was damaged. I
was distant from family and friends, and my health suffered. My ability to
achieve in school was impaired—I sabotaged my education which almost kept me
from graduating. Yet I would not let go of my precious resentments. I felt my
father deserved my resentment, because there was no regret or justification for
what he did.
Forgiveness is a choice when another person has injured
us.
When we are injured something inside us is broken. Resentments are the feelings we develop when
we choose to retain the pain that was inflicted on us because we feel the
perpetrator deserves it. We may have experienced terrible injustices--wrongs we
feel cannot be righted. But we are the ones who suffer, not the person who
harmed us. I heard once that holding
onto resentments is like drinking poison and hoping the person we resent will
die. Resentments rarely, if ever, hurt
the one we are angry with. Yet still I
did not want to forgive for many years.
To forgive is to admit that we don’t want to feel the
resentment anymore.
To forgive we must first acknowledge that we want to repair
the separation from intimacy, joy, health, and success that resentments can
cause. We want to be free of the
pain. We come to understand that forgiveness
does not justify the harm done to us. We
forgive in order to heal.
Forgiveness is difficult.
To forgive was to see my father as a person. I was hesitant. That meant I had to be willing to care about
him as a person. I could no longer treat
him as the evil object I had believed him to be for so many years.
Forgiveness may be painful. We must forgive, yet
remember. To remember helps set
boundaries in relationships to protect ourselves. Forgiveness may lead to
mutual respect, but we might set ourselves up for disappointment if we believe
that our relationships with people that have hurt us will be transformed if we
forgive them.
Forgiveness is an ongoing process.
After doing forgiveness work, I thought I was finished. However, forgiveness is not like that. I thought I had forgiven my father, yet,
years later, still had no positive memories of him. I now realize that my pain had covered up all
the positive feelings and memories that I had about my father. This began a new stage of forgiveness work
for me.
Today, the benefits of forgiveness continue to materialize
in my life. I have gained wisdom from
working through my resentments. I have a
greater understanding of others and better understand the pain they experience.
This process of emotional and spiritual growth cannot be
done quickly. We must give ourselves the
time we need to understand ourselves, to identify our pain and resentments, and
to begin the process of forgiveness.
Forgiveness deepens our life-long process of emotional and spiritual
growth. In giving up pain, injury,
sadness, hatred, and resentments, we make room to receive wisdom, joy, love,
and life.
Blessings, Rev. Tom
No comments:
Post a Comment