How
many have heard the phrase “Fake it til you make it”? I can’t tell you how many people—usually
professors, colleagues, co-workers-- said that to me when I started out as a
psychotherapist and as a minister.
Putting myself out there in front of people as an expert, a
professional, someone who knows what the heck they are doing, when in fact they
are brand new, not yet experienced, winging it the best they can is tough. Being vulnerable in front of someone who has
expectations of you is tough. It is easy
to experience “Imposter Syndrome.”
Feeling like you are an imposter because you don’t know enough, are not
experienced enough, not smart enough, just not enough to be what you are
expected to be or do what you are expected to do.
I remember the first time I led a psychotherapy group, I
decided I would look more like a psychotherapist if I were smoking a pipe. You know more thoughtful, more mature, maybe
more cool—well I was much younger then.
Looking back on it now, I didn’t do take up pipe smoking so that the
members of the group would perceive a psychotherapist, but so I would feel less
like an “Imposter.” I felt that the pipe
gave me a gravitas so I could cope with those feelings of shame—“I am not good
enough” “I am not who you think I am”-- and doubt that were running through my
brain and my heart. I realized early on,
no matter how much shame and doubt I experienced, the only way to get past
these feelings was by being in the game.
The
quote Brene Brown mentioned in the video by Theodore Roosevelt has always
resonated with me and carried me through each and every time I put myself out
there, as a professional, as an expert, as an advocate, as an ally: “It is not
the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles,
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to
the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat
and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually
strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who
spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph
of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while
daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid
souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
Nowadays, I have had countless experiences of being in front
of thousands of people, in rallies, in pulpits, in front of lawyers, judges,
mayors, police chiefs, in front of people similar to me and those very
different than me. I have been supported
and I have been challenged, I have been affirmed and I have been
threatened. The thing I have learned is
that the person who is most likely to stop me from putting myself out there is
me. I am my worst critic. I am the one who knows all the things lurking
in my shadow, my shame, my doubt, the things I regret or feel guilty about, the
times I let my shame and fear control me.
And I will tell you, it is easier to remember those times than it is
remembering the successes, the changes I help make in the world, the times I
really made a difference.
Vulnerability is about being in the arena, about being
willing to fail, about risk, about sharing a part of yourself, about “daring
greatly”. I can’t tell you how many
times, when I was new to ministry, that I questioned whether my message was
meaningful, useful, inspirational to those listening to me. How could I possibly say something that would
touch someone in some way that made them think, feel, be called to action, be
inspired to embrace transformation? And
my goodness if anyone said something, even a small comment by one person, about
the message, well that just reinforced my “Imposter Syndrome.” I will tell you that I am not weighed down by
that shame now. I do not let my inner
critic, my shame monster, stop me from being in the arena or risking
vulnerability. I know that I have made a
difference in peoples lives; I have touched people, inspired people, called
people to action. I also know that I am
not perfect, that not every sermon hits it out of the park, but that is no
reason to stop. If I stopped every time
I failed, then I wouldn’t have been a psychotherapist and I wouldn’t be a
minister.
Someone—a psychotherapy colleague-- once said don’t give up,
keep doing what you are doing, and if you fail, just keep in mind that all you
are doing is talking. Words cannot kill
people. Well, that is quite literally true. But, over time I have come have a
more nuanced understanding of the power of words. Words can kill one's spirit. Words can make
people feel dead inside, and words cannot easily be taken back once spoken or
written. And as a psychotherapist or a
minister, my words can have more power over someone, whether I want them to or
not, and significantly influence a person.
I remember once when I was in Cedar Rapids serving Peoples
Church Unitarian Universalist, that a young Evangelical minister preached that
same sex marriage was as destructive as the devastating 500 year flood that
wreaked havoc on Cedar Rapids a year before.
He preached that his flock should do everything possible to stop same
sex marriage. He was surprised by the
hateful emails he received from the public as this message got out beyond the
walls of his church. The local paper
asked to interview me about his message, and one of the things I said was that
this young preacher didn’t really understand the power of the pulpit, in other
words that his message deeply touched people and called them to action, beyond
his imagining. After the interview was
published, he reached out to me. And I
agreed to talk to him. He genuinely
didn’t understand why people reacted the way they did, heaping him with shame
and vitriol, I believe the weight of this shaming was on the verge of shutting
him down. He had preached a message he truly believed, yet the response outside
of his congregation was not adulation and support, as he had expected, but
attacking, treating his message as shameful, and the attacks kept growing. I tried to help him realize that he was
empowered by his congregation, his position, and the pulpit he stood behind to
change people’s lives, and he needed to be aware of the magnitude of that power
and be careful how he wielded it.
Messages of othering and hatefulness of dictating that all of society
should adhere to what he determined as either absolute right or absolute wrong
wee, to say the least, problematic. I
was not there to heap more shame on him, believe me, he was getting plenty of
that non-stop. He was just about ready
to step out of the arena. And some
people might say I should have encouraged him on his way out the door. But what I tried to do keep him in the arena
and encourage him to use his power constructively for love, for connection, for
justice. He listened, though I am not
sure to this day if he understood. All I
can do is teach. I cannot make the other
person learn. But I can still try.
When, my friends, are you in the area? How do you use the power you have? Are you willing to risk, to be vulnerable,
for the greater good, for love, for building connection between people, for
justice? And I wonder, how does shame
–either yours or the shame others try to put on you--try to stop you? What messages do you give yourself – that you
are not good enough, not strong enough, not smart enough—the messages that
weigh you down and keep you from getting into the arena of life?
I guess you might say “Well, Rev Tom, you are probably not
bothered by shame anymore because of all of your experiences and effectively
coping with your shame time and time again.”
And I would answer “It is true that I am less weighed down by shame than
I used to be, but those shame messages are still within me. And when I am too tired, too hungry, my blood
sugar is low, or when I am under a lot of stress, those shame monsters within
me still impact me. But here’s the
thing, I do not let them control me. For
I know that each time I give into them, I empower them.
So, I ask you how do you manage the shame messages within
you? I believe we all have them hidden
away in the dark recesses of our psyches.
What are the strategies you employ to keep them from weighing you down?
I want to offer you three strategies that have helped me
manage my shame monsters, although I have already mentioned one. Don’t let the shame messages keep you out of
the arena. I know this is hard, but I
will tell you, the more you don’t give into them, the less power they will have
over you.
Another way is to reach out to someone you trust and ask them
to hold space for you as you give voice to them. Often by giving voice to them, you can see
these thoughts and feelings for what they are: irrational and destructive. The person you trust simply holds space; they
don’t give you any feedback or offer any advice, or tell you that the thoughts
are irrational, he/she/they just need to be there to listen without judgement.
I have also found that spiritual practices help me as
well. Meditation, prayer, ritual, let me
get enough emotional distance from my shame monsters to more easily understand
the irrationality and destructiveness of their messages. Let’s try this. What I invite you to do is to think of one of
those shame messages. It doesn’t have to
be a big one, as a matter of fact, probably choose one that you already have
some control over. Now close your eyes
and take a deep breath. Focus on your
breathing. Feel the air entering and
leaving your body. When your attention
moves away from your breathing, gently bring your focus back to your breathing
over and over again. Notice how
sensations and thought and feelings move into your attention. Don’t try to push them out or hold onto them.
Each time you are distracted, bring you attention back to your breathing, those
distractions will seem to float around until disempowered, they gradually leave
your consciousness. Now let that shame
thought enter you mind. And just leave
it there while you focus on your breathing.
And bring your attention back to your breathing again and again and
again. Notice how you feel. Notice what happens to that shame
thought. Now take deep slow breath and
open your eyes.
All these strategies are practices, coping mechanisms that
require practice to be helpful and effective for you to reduce the weight of
your shame thoughts, to disempower the shame within you.
To end, I want to share again the prayer I offered
earlier. I changed the last line, to one
that resonated more with me. I invite
you to notice how you experience these words as you consider your own shame
messages:
Spirit of Life..Teach us to
love into brokenness
to give space for,
to be patient with,
[our] healing.
Let us be strong in our
vulnerability
in our not-knowing,
in exposing our
less-than-perfect scary bits, to those in front of us.
Give us courage to face
judgment, scorn, and hatred [in service to] the greater good.
Let us be disciples of
Essential Goodness, strong in our knowing that in each Being there is a divine
light of the soul.
Give us the strength, .., to
keep feeling empathy, even when we are tired and broken.
For it is then that we are
empowered to stay in the arena. Amen.
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