On the third Thursday night of each month,
except during the summer, we have a Conscious Aging Group. I have learned so much being present with the
people who attend this group as they share their personal reflections on aging with
one other. Last Thursday night we watched
a film by Atul Gwande, author of the book Living
Mortal. The press release of his
book includes the following: “Medicine has triumphed in modern times,
transforming birth, injury, and infectious disease from harrowing to
manageable. But in the inevitable condition of aging and death, the goals of
medicine seem too frequently to run counter to the interest of the human
spirit. Nursing homes, preoccupied with safety, pin patients into railed beds
and wheelchairs. Hospitals isolate the dying, checking for vital signs long
after the goals of cure have become moot. Doctors, committed to extending life,
continue to carry out devastating procedures that in the end extend
suffering. Gawande…addresses his
profession's ultimate limitation, arguing that quality of life is the desired
goal for patients and families” As we in the Conscious Aging Group watched Gwande’s
video, we heard that the young--or those who have young-focus or those whose
lives have a young signature—these folks want to grow social networks. Their desires focus on achievement, and
acquiring recognition. An Elder--either
physically or psychologically an elder--has a different signature. Our elders want smaller networks of people,
narrower, but deeper, more intimate relationships with those in their
network. They are less concerned with
acquisition and more concerned with simply being. They also want to make a difference in the
lives of those people to whom they are most connected. Elders feel poignancy, a feeling most younger
people don’t possess. Poignancy is being
able to feel positive and negative emotions at the same time. In addition, elders experience more happiness
as they age, even though they had more health problems, limitations and
disabilities, losses in function. Gwande
reported that people are less likely to be depressed and anxious at age 70 than
at age 40.
Our Conscious Aging Group was asked to
consider the questions that Gwande feels are most important questions as people
grow older, more frail, closer to dying: What’s your understanding of your
health? What are your fears and worries
for the future? What are the goals you
have when your health worsens? What
trade-offs are you will to make and not willing to make as your health worsens? What would be your priorities beyond just
being alive when your health worsens?
These are important questions for all us to consider, even if we embrace
a “young signature”. Your answers at 40
will be different from your answers at 24; your answers at 60 will be different
from your answers at 80. At each stage,
you will be leaving the boxes you’ve created in your life, crammed with roles
and responsibilities, rules and fears, crating your own unique way.
Most people, as they become older, more frail,
more limited, more ill, often want autonomy vs. the restrictions that often
come of an extension of their life or protection from harm. However, the adult children,
the doctors, hospitals, and nursing homes want to extend a beloved elder’s life
and protect the elder from harm, no matter what restrictions might put into
place as a result. Gwande beleives it is
important to talk about quality of life, rather than extension of life. And the thing is that an improved quality of
life generally results in a longer and happier life. He tells a story of a very ill elderly man in
a hospital who is on a pureed diet that he hates, so he steals and hordes
cookies. The staff of the hospital doesn’t
want him to have the cookies because he might choke on them. He is miserable. Gwande says just give him the damn cookies. Let him have a life of quality and
enjoyment.
“We must honor our Elders, and care for them,
for they have the knowledge of a thousand winds.” The winds can sing a thousand songs, yet
there must be ears to hear these songs, to listen to that knowledge, that
wisdom. Our Elders can offer themselves
as beacons for others to create their path, but we must have eyes to see their
shining lights.
Let me end with this quote from Ashton
Applewhite, an activist and writer: “The
sooner growing old is stripped of reflective dread, the better equipped we are
to benefit from the countless ways in which it can enrich us.” Namaste.
This quote really has a great message to deliver to us. And the most amazing thing about this is that they are full of truthiness. Great way to honor old people.
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