Reading by Bob Barret, from NPR's "This I Believe"
I believe in integrity. It's a belief that's tested in those
gut-wrenching moments when conflicting values pull me in opposite directions.
Back in the early 1980s, I was in a training session for mental health workers
who were volunteering to provide counseling to cancer patients who had a
terminal diagnosis. Each of us was given 16 index cards and asked to write on
each the names of people, abilities, things and values we hold dear. In the
course of our imagined cancer, we had to surrender cards or somewhat abruptly
have them taken from us. At the end I had two cards: One read
"Integrity" and the other read "My Family." How could I
choose between these two; such a choice was unfair and impossible. My initial
thought was that I would give up my integrity, because I loved my daughters and
would want their comfort at my death. But then, I would realize that dying
without integrity might be worse. I drifted back and forth, not wanting to
choose. In the end, I uneasily kept the integrity card because I reasoned that
if I lost my family, integrity would still be possible; if I lost my integrity,
my life would be without value.
Sermon by Rev. Tom
A Unitarian Universalist died, and
to their surprise discovered that there was indeed an afterlife. The angel in
charge of these things told them, “Because you were a doubter and a sceptic,
you will be sent to Hell for all eternity—which, in your case, consists of a
place where no one will ever disagree with you again!” Our proud heritage encourages us to doubt, to
question, to reflect on everything, and in particular, as Unitarian
Universalists, we question beliefs, ethics, meaning, and purpose, acknowledging
that none of the truths we come up with are static. Throughout our lives we are
exposed to new ideas, beliefs, experiences, and people that expand our
world-view and impact how we choose to live in the world. In other words, we believe that revelation is
not sealed. Let us hold that thoughts as
we consider the rather squishy concept of integrity.
I’m going
to go out on a limb here—I bet every person in this room believes they are a
person of integrity. Don’t all Unitarian
Universalists have integrity; isn’t that inherent in living our seven
Principles. Isn’t that why some of you
chose to become members of a Unitarian Universalist congregation? Because you discovered a group of people who
live their values—deeds not creeds—with integrity. Honesty, living our ethical standards, being
morally upright, hearing, assessing, verifying, and then following our inner
voice? Well, I don’t think living a life
with integrity is easy, even for Unitarian Universalists.
I want to
share a few thoughts and stories as you consider what integrity means to you
and what it looks like in your life.
Let’s start with driving. During
the many, many, many times you are watching other people drive and you see them
speed, cut someone off, blast across three lanes of traffic, drive too slow, or
stop in the middle of the road for no apparent reason, how do you judge that
person? An idiot driver? A menace? At best, inconsiderate, at
worst—what? A murderer? Now let’s say
your were 15 minutes late for, say a doctor’s appointment at one of those
practices that cancels your appointment and charges you for the appointment if
you don’t get there on the dot, and if you just stand on the gas a little, cut
a few inches—or feet—off your safe passing zone, zip over the turn lane and
shriek in the parking lot. How do you
judge yourself? Oh, this isn’t how I
usually drive. People shouldn’t be so upset, I’m watching what I am doing. I know I have been tempted to do that on more
than one occasion. According to Michael R. Cunningham, a professor of
psychology at the University of Louisville, such discrimination stems from the
difference in perception of self as compared to others: “We evaluate other
people based upon their behavior; we evaluate ourselves based upon our
intentions.” Hence, it’s easier for us to overlook our own lapses of judgement
than it is to overlook the questionable behavior of other people. And author on personal and professional
development Beverly Flaxington writes: “While we attribute the unethical
behavior of other people to their “badness,” oftentimes we rationalize our own
actions in order to find justification for the choices that we make. “I was
simply following orders,” “Everyone else was doing it,” “It’s not illegal, so
it’s not wrong,” or “No one [I know saw me do it],”…It’s easy to cut yourself
some slack when everyone else around you — including celebrities, politicians,
professional athletes and large corporations — seems to be bending or breaking
ethical rules. It’s hard to stick to ethical standards when it seems that few
others are doing so.”
So if we
bend the rules, and we do, just like everyone else does, if we cut ourselves
some slack, if we attribute good intentions to ourselves and not others, what
does integrity really mean then? I’m not
talking about dictionary definitions here.
I mean what qualifies as integrity in this slippery environment where
“yes” means “no”, and “no” means “maybe” and “maybe” means whatever we want it
to at a particular moment. And we find
ourselves doing the right thing most of the time, unless it seems reasonable or
easier to do otherwise. Living with
integrity is challenging, especially when most of the time, no one is watching
us, unless you count Google and Facebook.
Author of the Narnian Chronicles and lay theologian C. S. Lewis wrote:
“Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching.” And to offer a
quote from someone who isn’t a dead white guy and who aspires to help others
with her wisdom and book selections, Oprah Winfrey said: “Real integrity is
doing the right thing, knowing that nobody's going to know whether you did it
or not.” We don’t go around with a sign
around our neck saying “I have integrity”.
Signs, after all, are easy to remove, like a wedding ring. The sign—the ring—isn’t the thing that has
integrity—it’s the vow you took, and how you live that vow. So when we say that
we are Unitarian Universalists, is that like having a sign around our
necks? Do we think others believe that
because we are Unitarian Universalists, we live a life with integrity? What, if anything, does saying to ourselves
that we are Unitarian Universalists and attending Sunday service do exactly?
Does it make a difference in how we act when no one is watching?
I think living
a life with integrity, whether a Unitarian Universalist or not, whether others
know we are doing it or not, is difficult.
In the reading today by Bob Barret, you heard him struggle with an
exercise that he did at a mental health workshop. He was given blank cards and asked to write
the names of people, abilities, things and values he held dear. And over the course of the workshop the cards
were taken away, as part of a simulation of the things we lose as we approach
the end of our lives. His last two cards
were integrity and family. In the end,
he uneasily kept the integrity card because he reasoned that if he lost his
family, integrity would still be possible; if he lost his integrity, his life
would be without value. Well, there is
more to the story. His reflection on
this exercise came at a time in his life when he was getting ready to come out
to his wife and daughters as gay. His
struggle was this: does he cause pain to his family by coming out or does he
stay in the closet and live without integrity, without being honestly and
authentically who he is?
What if you
did the same exercise? What if it came
down to two cards for you and one of them was integrity? What if your other card was health, family,
friends, financial stability, significant other, children, job? How would you respond to the choice? When I was considering this exercise, I would
like to tell you that of course I would choose integrity, but knowing myself,
if I were dying, I would have a hard time not choosing family. Hard choices—really hard choices-- make
integrity so difficult. Acting with
integrity can result in pain, conflict, and people treating you
differently. It can also result in
feeling a deep peace in your mind/heart/spirit because you are living
authentically. Acting with integrity can
result in not having to always consider how other people will react before you
respond. It can result in more
consistently living the ethics, morals, and principles that you hold dear.
Before I
share some thoughts on how we might live a life with integrity, I have one more
story to share. A few days ago a man in
Philadelphia robbed a Rite Aid Store.
Pharmacies are robbed all the time; what was unique about this robbery
is that we had the opportunity to peek into the mind of the person robbing the
drug store, to better understand why he was taking such an extreme action. The man, “wearing a gray hoodie and dark
gloves… took an item to the register.
The store clerk can be seen scanning the item and putting it in a
plastic bag. Then, according to a police statement…the man handed a note to the
employee that read in part, ‘Give me all the money. I’m sorry, I have a sick
child. You have 15 seconds.’” So for the
purpose of this argument, let’s assume what the man wrote isn’t a scam. Let’s suppose it’s the truth. Let’s suppose that this man is acting on the
same exercise that Bob Barret did. If
his last two cards are obeying the law and saving my child. Would he be living with integrity if he chose
to rob the Rite Aid Store to save his child?
What would you choose? Put aside
our Unitarian Universalist tendency to infinitely debate the merits of each
choice just for a moment, and try to answer the hypothetical choice from your
gut. What would you choose?
I am not
sure I know the right answer, or even if there is a “right answer” to the
questions I am posing. Realizing that
there is no real right answer, let me offer some strategies that I use that aid
me in living a life with more integrity.
One strategy that aids me in this complicated world is choosing some
ethics, morals, principles, and purposes that I hold dear, that I aim towards
in living my life. I regularly attend to
them, hold them in the front of my mind, and seek out places and people, like
you all, that affirm those ethics, morals, principles and purposes that I hold
dear. You might say I hold onto them
like a sign I wear, but the thing is no-one knows I am wearing the sign. It’s invisible, just for me to see. It’s like a vow to myself.
Another strategy I use is talking with others I trust,
especially when considering a difficult decision. I am not seeking their advice. I’m using trusted people as a soundboard, as
a way to process my thoughts and feelings.
I do tell the listener, if they have a thought that might help me look
deeper within myself, I would value that.
Again that is not advice. It
might be “have you had to make this kind of decision before and how did that
turn out” or “I notice that you are crying or seem angry or tense as you
talk.” Something I might not be aware
of. Something that helps me look within for an answer.
Here are a
couple other ideas. While I have thought
about and used these ideas in my life, I’ve found them most clearly stated by
Beverly Flaxington in Psychology Today (Like No One Is Watching: Acting
ethically when others don’t always do so. By Beverly Flaxington, Psychology
Today, oct 27, 2015)
“Listen to your self-talk. Do you search for excuses for
yourself? Do you try to rationalize your questionable decisions?” I can tell you this one really hits home for
me. A friend of mine really wanted and
applied for job. She told me about it in
confidence. I thought about putting in for
the same job, an Employee Assistance Professional at NASA JSC. Government job—I’d be set for life. I rationalized that I was more qualified; I
knew more about the people who worked there and the environment. I had consulted for NASA a few times. Fortunately, I noticed my racing thoughts and
rationalization, the nagging guilt, and the physical agitation, for me signs of
being out of balance within myself. I
stopped before taking an action that I would have regretted, that wouldn’t be
consistent with my values and how I lived my life.
Here’s
another idea: “Question everything. Don’t accept something as true only because
you have been told that it is. The more you know, the better-informed decisions
you will be able to make. Two people can look at the same situation and one can
find it ethically sound, whereas the other —[find it] debatable at best… Question
your own judgement, too. More often than not, our opinions and decisions are
affected by the many biases that we subconsciously hold, and therefore must be
re-evaluated for ethical soundness.”
While serving a church in Cedar Rapids, I heard of an evangelical
minister who preached that marital equality in Iowa was worse than the
city-wide flood that devastated much of downtown Cedar Rapids. The local television station and newspaper
reached out to me, the local liberal minister, to comment on this preacher’s
message. I did not hesitate and was
clear that his message was destructive and hurtful to the LGBTQ community and
that this minister seemed wholly unaware of the power of the pulpit. After I did this, I received an email from
him. He didn’t understand why people
were so upset with him. At that point, I
started questioning whether the approach I had taken was the best one, the one
with most integrity. After much questioning and self-reflection I decided to meet
with this young evangelical minister and mentor him, to discuss with him why
people were so upset with him and how he might grow from this experience. That act felt like it had more integrity.
How to be
a person of integrity is for each of us to consider. Living a life with more integrity takes
intention and effort; it doesn’t happen without paying attention to ourselves,
our mind and body, our emotions and spirit.
It is too easy for us to ignore or miss the many clues that pop up when
we are letting our integrity slip away. My
friends, it is worth it to make the effort from time to time, especially when
making a big decision or when reconsidering your world view or what is right
and wrong, to examine your heart. Also
listen to that still small voice within, empower the part of you that questions
and doubts, bring people into your life whom you can trust to really listen to
you, and hold on to what is good and true for you even if it is a handful of
earth. Hold on to what you believe even
if it is a tree which stands by itself. And hold on to what you must do even if
it is a long way from here. Blessed be.
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