Story
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life
and how things were so hard. She did not know how she was going to make it and
wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as
one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots
with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the
first she placed potatoes, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she
placed coffee grounds. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes, she turned off the burners. She
fished the potatoes out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and
placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee grounds out and placed it in
a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do
you see?" "potatoes, eggs, and coffee," the daughter replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the
potatoes. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the
daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed
the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.
The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich flavor. The daughter then asked,
"What does it mean, mother?"
Her mother replied: “Each of these objects faced the same
adversity—in this case, the boiling water. Each reacted differently. The
potatoes went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected
to the boiling water, they softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile.
Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting in
the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were
unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they changed the water.”
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter.
"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato,
an egg or coffee grounds?"
Sermon
When you heard the story earlier,
did you identify with the potatoes, the eggs, or the coffee beans? I think many of us would aspire to be the
coffee grounds; I mean Unitarian Universalists love their coffee. But also the coffee grounds performed
transformation when faced with adversity – in this case the boiling water.
Really, they were just as affected by the boiling water as the potatoes and
eggs, but the coffee grounds gave something of themselves, their essence, to
that adversity; they lent themselves to the trouble, and made a positive difference. Did you think about what kind of coffee you
might be changed into? New Orleans
Chicory, Cafecito, decaf, French Roast?
When life presents you with boiling water, with adversity, how do you
flavor that water? In other words, how
do you respond to adversity? Adversity
can leach your energy, but it doesn’t have to reduce you. Adversity undoubtedly changes us if we
actively engage with it, construct meaning from it, and if we build resilience
from it.
The
American Psychological Association (https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/road-resilience)
defines resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity,
trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress — such as family and
relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial
stressors. ... Being resilient does not mean that a person doesn't experience
difficulty or distress… Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do
not have. It involves behaviors, thoughts and actions that can be learned and developed
in anyone.”
I have been
thinking a lot about resilience, and a lot about resistance. We live in interesting times, don’t we? A time of significant shifts in our national
culture—divisiveness and polarization and loss of rights---and some of us
almost every moment of our lives have to cope with racism, ableism, homophobia,
transphobia, all the isms and phobias. In addition we all face the common
ruptures of life—moves, births, marriages, deaths, economic ups and downs, ebbs
and flows of intimacy with significant people in our lives. These days we are routinely called upon to
find the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change
the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Our goal is to not be reduced by change, but
instead grow in wisdom with each life changing experience.
I grew up
in an alcoholic home and have attended ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics
Anonymous) meetings, and when I worked at an alcoholic treatment facility, I
attended AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings with my patients. I have the serenity prayer—grant me the
serenity—engraved on a stone on my desk, placed where I can’t miss it. I won’t
tell you how often I look at it, but it’s a lot.
As I was thinking about change, my eyes landed on this
prayer and I wondered if the coffee metaphor really still works for me. I mean I am all for the transformation that
happens as a result of going through a difficult time. But I am a white cis-gendered middle-class
college educated male here. If anything,
physically I am the very embodiment of the political party that is currently in
power. The government is not coming
after my rights. The government is not
seeking to reduce my access to medical care or food. I was never in danger of being in the school
to prison pipeline. I’m pretty sure that
some of you here could say the same thing.
I want to talk about the
meditation. Someone pushed on your
shoulder. Reflect for a moment on the
word that came up for you after the meditation.
How does that word speak to how you manage change or pressure in your
life? When we perceive a force pushing
against us, we generally have three broad choices. To resist it, accept it, or give into
it. Resisting is when you fight against
that force even as you realize that the force is changing you. Accepting is allowing the force to wash
through you while still keeping the essence of yourself intact. Giving in has to do with allowing the change
to negatively impact you, choosing to be reduced by change. Which, if any, of those three broad choices
describes how you felt when your partner pushed your shoulder during the
meditation? Or maybe none of these three
response choices describe what you felt.
That’s okay, because guess what?
There is a fourth choice. Use the
pressure. Transform that force into a
source of energy for building your resilience.
So you
don’t want to go and tell your friends that your minister told you to push
someone sitting next to you in church, but as you sat there, did it occur to
you to use the energy of that push? Most
of us make an almost automatic choice to resist.
Energy
drains can be thought of as pressures, both the daily pressures of
existence—making enough to survive, to house and feed yourself and your family,
to navigate relationships, etc. Now add
the pressures that isms, phobias, prejudice and hate put on you, your friends
and family, your community, and your desire to affect positive change in our
world--march, rally, lobby, educate, petition, and stand with our marginalized
brothers and sisters. How do you hang on to even a scrap of energy with so much
pressure draining you dry? Some of us
might meditate, pray, listen to powerful speakers who inspire us; we might be
more mindful about our health; we might replenish ourselves with friends and
fellow congregants at this church that support us in our work. If any of that works for you, keep doing that. Do all the things that help you build
resilience, to not be reduced by life.
But what
happens when the pushes just keep coming?
When the pressure feels like an irresistible force?
Here is my
answer: Resilience Judo. Resilience Judo
aligns your physical, mental, and spiritual energy with whatever is pushing
against you, absorbing and transforming that energy to add to your resilience.
The irresistible force directs its energy toward defeating or destroying you.
If you counterattack you're imposing your body energy against the oncoming
thrust. Judo redirects your opponent's energy instead of meeting force with
force. As the attacker pushes against you, they find you stepping to the side
and allowing their momentum to throw them forward. You are like a tree that
bends to the wind instead of resisting unyieldingly and being uprooted and
blown down. You become…resilient.
“look
up
at the trees around you
as you walk by
specifically
focus on the branches
and the branches of the branches
and so on
and find the branches
that if instead
of branches
were trees of their own
standing alone
would be the most
perfect trees
with roots and
perfect branches
and so on
and if from this point of
focus
you let your mind start to
wander
you might find yourself
start to wonder
what it must feel like to be
one of these
branches on trees” (by poet Thomas Russ)
There are
no perfect trees or perfect branches, unless you find perfection in
imperfection. The wind, the rain, and
the climate affect the trees. But we do
not perceive these effects as having reduced the trees. We perceive the trees
as unique, beautiful, with branches reaching out in new and different
ways. Resilience Judo is like that. The effects of stress, pressure, isms,
phobias, and prejudice can alter our responses to life, even the way we see
ourselves and the world around us, but we can choose that our responses are not
altered in ways that reduce who we are and knock us over.
Resilience
Judo keeps you from becoming exhausted from using your energy to attack or
resist. And each time your opponent
thrusts and fails, you feel empowered.
Each time the opposing force thrusts, you learn more about it/them and
learn more about yourself. You might be
changed, your branch altered by the experience, but you will not be
reduced. You will adapt.
Here is one
Judo move. When I was still in practice
as a psychotherapist, I worked for a private psychiatric clinic. I was on the Board of this clinic and had a
personal relationship with the owners.
One night, the owner, Ken, and I were the only ones left in our main
office. I was doing some paperwork and I
noticed Ken seemed deep in thought. I
asked him if there was something wrong or if there was something I should know
about as far as the clinic was concerned.
He said no; he was alright and so was the clinic. The next day I found out he was lying. He announced that the clinic was closing and
we all had two weeks to find new jobs.
It felt like a kick in my stomach, rather than a push on my
shoulder. I could feel pressure starting
to reduce me as I feared what I would do to support my family. I was tempted to yell at the owner for lying
to me the night before. Instead of
giving into the pressure, that very day I used the energy to alter the course
of my life. I reached out to a local
psychiatric hospital. I went into the
CEO’s office, honestly told her of the situation, and she told me she was
excited by the prospect of me joining them.
I was thrilled. I then went to a
friend of mine who was the administrator of another psychiatric clinic and told
her about my predicament, and she said she would be excited to have me join
them. I was thrilled again!. Now I had a different dilemma, but one of my
own making. I used the energy that was
putting pressure on me to empower me to explore new options and directions,
instead of letting the pressure push me down, depleting and reducing me.
Let me give you a couple of judo
moves to deal with some of the pressure of isms, phobias, and hate in our
country. A few years ago I was involved
in starting a grassroots organization in Cedar Rapids based on Saul David
Alinsky’s work. He is generally considered to be the Founder of modern
community organizing. The first step in
the process is one-on-ones, getting to know people and getting to know their
values. The discussion leads to finding
common values, which leads to developing common goals, and thus together we
effect changes in governmental policy or laws; in our case we would be working
on policy and law changes in Cedar Rapids and Linn County. In one of my conversations, I met a factory
worker. We got to know each other and
then started talking about our values.
One of his core values was “live and let live.” He was kind of libertarian in his
thinking. Now it probably wasn’t what I
was supposed to be doing, but I asked him about same sex marriage. He said he was against it. I could have been oppositional and argued
with him or I could have swallowed my depression about his response. I could have let his negative attitude reduce
me or my energy, but instead I used the energy from his response to wonder aloud, “I am confused,
how can you be against someone having equal rights, you know marital rights,
when you value live and let live.” He
said he had never thought of marital equality in that way. We parted ways with him being a supporter of
marital equality, and with both of us feeling energized and empowered by our
conversation.
Here is
another Judo move. While attending a
rally for marital equality in Iowa, I was invited to talk with Bob Vander
Plaats, the president and CEO of The Family Leader, a socially conservative
organization opposed to marital equality, abortion, and a variety of other
progressive causes. I think I was
invited to join in the conversation at the Pizza Ranch, because I was wearing a
clerical collar and they thought I was like one of the other evangelical
ministers. As Vander Plaats began
talking about his campaign supporting the rights of people opposed to marital
equality, it would have been easy to stay quiet, let his negativity role over
me, enrage and depress and even reduce me.
Instead, using the energy I felt after he started with his opening
punch, I thrust my hand into the air and asked, “So you feel you are fighting
for a majority of Iowans?” “Yes,” he
said. “And you believe that the rights of the majority should be the law of the
land.” “Yes,” he said. “What about the ‘Tyranny of the
Majority? You know, when the majority
imposes its will and either disregards or oppresses the will of a
minority. Didn’t the forefathers of this
country oppose that?” He looked deeply
confused. Not sure what to say. Another person, energized and empowered by
what I had asked, said, “what about that?”
And another, actually a member of the local Unitarian Universalist, church
got up and said, “Marital rights are human rights aren’t they?” At that point an aide removed Vander Plaats
from the Pizza Ranch and any further discussion. I felt energized and empowered.
The image
before you is a dojo. A dojo is
generally associated with various forms of martial arts. Dojo literally means "place of the
way". American author, coach, and
consultant, Richard Strozzi Heckler, wrote
“…the dojo is a place of learning where one practices what is being
taught. This [approach] is different
from the conventional classroom where students sit passively taking notes or
listening quietly to a lecture…[the approach] points out the difference between
academic knowledge and an embodied knowledge that allows people to take actions
that sustain and enhance their lives. In
place of [academic] learning … the dojo students practice what is being taught
and over time begin to embody the subject matter. It lives in their body, it is who they are.”
I propose that we let this place be our dojo for resistance and resilience. So when we have a calamitous experience, we
can come here to reflect on and practice our Resilience Judo. Here we can decide how to use the energy
generated by calamitous experiences to alter our direction, and empower our
resistance, rather letting it reduce us. Here we can create new moves, go out
into the world and try them, and then come back to share with each other how
they worked. Here we will embody new
ways to be both resistant and resilient.
Welcome to the Unitarian Universalist Dojo of Miami.
No comments:
Post a Comment